A Very Ouran After School Special
by kygirl101
Summary: Tamaki needs to come out to his parents, and the Host Club decides to help. With a little ROLE PLAYING! Complete crack! With lots of OOC and bad humor.
1. Chapter 1

**A VERY OURAN AFTER-SCHOOL SPECIAL**

**Chapter One**

It was just after the Ouran High School Host Club had finally closed its doors to the women of Ouran Academy. The sun was setting, the deranged female manager had popped in to have a few words the with vice-president about her new photo book collection, the twins were harassing the commoner cross dresser, and a short blond senior was devouring cakes while his strong, observant cousin overlooked the whole thing. They had all just finished changing out of their cosplay for the day—Greek Myths—and were lounging about, waiting for their King to come out of the dressing room.

Tamaki had been acting odd all day, and it was really starting to irk the other club members. They had a general idea what was bothering him, but neither of the members were going to mention anything. When the blond finally did emerge from the closeted dressing room, it was with a very strange atmosphere: he was completely calm.

"Has anyone seen my dog?" he asked the other club members, all of whom had stopped what they were doing to look at him with skeptical expressions.

"You mean Aninonette?" Hikaru asked. "She's not here."

"Oh, man," Tamaki pouted, twisting his hands surreptitiously in his lap and looking from face to face. "I need to talk to someone." They waited, mainly knowing that he was going to respond if they just gave him time. And, sure enough, "You see, my Mother's returning from her trip to Spain, and my father from Italy, and they don't know I'm gay."

Dramatic music played somewhere in the background. Kaoru quirked an eyebrow. "Tamaki, you should really tell them. Admitting you have a problem is the first step to fixing it."

"You know what might help?" Renge cut in, being obnoxiously loud and feminine as usual. The club members sighed. "If we all did a little role playing!"

Silence. Crickets.

"Oh, that's not a bad idea," Hikaru smirked, standing up from his spot on the couch and walking over to the brunette commoner. "Haruhi, you be Tamaki's Mother, and Hunny-senpai, you're going to be his Father!"

Glances were exchanged, and no complaints voiced, so Tamaki shrugs a little. "Uh...Okay, I'll try. Um...Mommy...Daddy...I'm gay."

Hunny looked up from his cake, decidedly going along with this, and spared Haruhi a glance. "Well, sonny boy, I think I speak for your Mother and myself when I say—A DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHH!!!!"

The entire club room erupted in laughter, mad cackling as Renge, the twins and Hunny rolled on the floor, Haruhi politely giggled behind her hand and the taller, more stoic members smirked and hid the expression.

Tamaki sniffled. "You guys are such assholes....And not the good kind." And he stormed off, slamming the door behind him just as the laughter stopped.

Guilt started to set in as touching, heart wrenching music began to play, and the hosts looked from one to the other, unsure of how to respond.

-white flash of scene changing-

Tamaki was curled up on an abandoned couch in the Third Library, sniffling in the quite that came with after school. From the open door way, the Hosts that had followed him were watching, feeling horrible emotions tug at their heart strings and remaining silent to watch him cry. The twins motioned for Haruhi and Hunny to go in and consol him, and they did without complaint, shoes clicking on the tile and sounding over Tamaki's suppressed sobs.

"Tamaki-senpai," Haruhi tentatively tried. "Sorry about before. We want to help."

"Err, you'll just make fun of me again." Tamaki sounded as if he had a bad head cold.

"No we wont, Homo-chan~" Hunny explained to him as Tamaki sat up on the must old couch. "I swear on your gay eyes!"

"Come on, Tamaki-senpai," Haruhi followed up with, "Let's give this role playing another try!"

"Uh...Okay..." Tamaki stood from his place on the couch. "Here goes.....Mom, Dad. I'm gay."

Immediately, things changed. Hunny's little known but menacing second personality appeared, and he seemed to tower over the two of his underclassmen with an imposing shadow over his face and entire body. Haruhi's disposition changed to, to a more pitiful and sad and female attitude and she clutched at her heart.

"YOU'RE A GODDAMED QUEER!?!?!?" Hunny shouted.

"How could you do this to us?!" Haruhi wailed, tears springing to her eyes.

Tamaki faltered. "I'm....not doing this...to you, Mom....This is just the way I was born."

Hunny pointed violently at Haruhi. "I told you not to huff airplane glue while you were pregnant!"

To which she countered. "At least air-plane glue knew how to make me feel good, Zemma-addict!!"

"ZEMMA HELPS ME RELAX!!!!!!"

Tamaki blinked at how passionate the two were getting about this and smiled. "Hehe, wow. You two are really committing to this role playing." Hunny turned fierce eyes upon him and snatched his underclassman/son's upper arm in a painfully tight grip. "Ouch."

"Shut up," he said, poking a finger into Tamaki's chest as his voice became scarily low and dramatic music strummed from somewhere. "Just shut the hell up."

"Ouch—you're hurting me." Tamaki complained in a weak voice.

"Not as much as you're hurting everyone else!" He pointed to Haruhi. "Just look how fat you've made your mother!" And he raised a fist in anger, preparing to hammer it down on the blond.

Haruhi sprung into action, jumping to his side and pleading, "Yuzuru, no!! Stop this!"

"Get off me, woman!" Hunny screeched darkly, pushing Haruhi away violently. A little too violently, as she smacked into the wall and crumpled down, looking over her shoulder and cowering as dramatic music played. Hunny panted in between the two of them before turning and walking out of the library with purposeful steps.

Tamaki looked scared a bit, glancing from Hunny's retreating back to the girl curled on the floor, rubbing her head and attempting to stand up. He stood, too, and walked to her side. "Mom, are you okay?"

There were tears in Haruhi's voice, and she stood, stuttering uncontrollably and fisting the material of the fluffy pink apron that had suddenly appeared on her. "I...I..I just...well...I have a casserole in the over!" She proclaimed before standing and running out of the library.

Silence.

"Wow. Haruhi really nailed my Mom's ability to take a punch~!"

**A/N:** Yes. Weird. Very, very weird. Based very closely on Drawn Together, and very, very crack-a-licious. Even worth the next chapter? Answer, yes, because I've already written it all!


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N:** Here it is! The even worse second chapter of this fic! Enjoy!~

**Chapter Two**

---Secrets in the Closet---  
_-a very special Ouran episode-  
_**Staring:  
**Tamaki Suoh  
Haruhi Fujioka  
Mitsukuni Haninozuka  
Kyouya Ootori  
Hikaru Hitachiin  
Kaoru Hitachiin  
and Renge

In the lunch room, the three of them sat at a single table, plates of breakfast food laid out in front of them and the quite clinking of cutlery the only sound in the air. Tamaki took a bit, Haruhi cut her pancake, and Hunny took a sip of water. Haruhi took a bite, Tamaki took a sip of water, and Hunny stabbed his sausage. Tamaki scooped up eggs, Haruhi took a sip of water and Hunny patted his napkin to his mouth. It was a very uncomfortable silence and it was starting to get to Tamaki.

"...Are...are we gonna talk about this?" he questioned, looking between Haruhi and Hunny.

"There's nothing to talk about," Hunny grouched. "You are not gay—I forbid it. End of discussion."

"Uh...Mom?" Tamaki asked, looking over to where Haruhi—thanks to the wall incident and a bit of makeup—was sporting a budding black eye.

"You heard your father..."

The door bell rang, a delightful little 'ding-dong' and Haruhi stood, a sudden smile on her face. "Ohhh, whoever could that be?" And she trotted towards the door, speaking back over her shoulder. "Look, everyone! It's Tamaki's old high school girlfriend, Kao—I mean, Mary Lou Slut-ski!" And she opened the door to the lunch room before dragging in a certain red head dressed in an outfit no one ever wanted to see on the boy again.

Kaoru was dressed in...Virtually nothing, a very short mini skirt of some disgusting pink shade, with garish make up that over accentuated his features and a tube top with what looked like two oranges stuffed down the front. Large hoop earrings adorned his ears, and long, red extensions were pulled back into a fluffy pony tale. He walked with Haruhi back to where Hunny and Tamaki was standing, and opened his mouth to speak as Tamaki was shoved towards the redhead.

"Hi, Tamaki. You know, I've been practicing this trick where I drink ten beers and let you do whatever you want with me....I'm getting reeeeal good at it..."

The blond blushed. "Uh...Kao—Mary Lou...I'm really, uh...flattered, but I—"

"Damn right, you're flattered!" Hunny but it, appearing out of no where between the two and placing hands on their backs before forcing them closer together. "Now give that little slut a hug. Go on."

Haruhi, too, appeared out of no where as Tamaki and Kaoru's chests were pressed together and snatched her "son's" hand, before rubbing it along to barely clad backside of the...girl... "Now, doesn't that feel goood~"

"Ack! Stop it you guys!" Tamaki exclaimed before wiggling out of their grasp and backing away. "I'm gay and this isn't going to change that!"

Kaoru's eyes grew wide. "You're...Gay?!?!" Hands flew up to cover his eyes as he sobbed in a dramatically girly voice and ran away.

Hunny turned back to Haruhi and gave her a look. "We...can't do this alone, Tamaki's-Mom...We need to bring in...A professional."

-white flash of scene change-

The tall brunette senior was dressed in a priest's uniform that the gang had stolen from the Drama Club's store room and sat before the three gathered members of the Host Club with a stoic look on his face. "Fear not, family in crisis," he said in a deep baritone. "I spend a lot of time with young men struggling from homosexual urges. I know how they think....How they...feel." And no one found it odd that his hand flew to his chest and clutched at what seemed to be his cross or heart.

Haruhi grabbed onto Tamaki's shoulder and clung to him. "I don't want my son to go to hell. Or wherever it is the gays and fanficiton writers go!"

Hunny clung to his other side as the three of them were seated on a couch. "Can you fix him?" He asked Mori imploringly.

"I'm not broken, Dad," Tamaki objected.

Hunny took his hands off the other blond and glared. "Well, I guess that's the difference between you and my heart!"

"If this family is ever to heal, you must learn to understand each other." Mori explained to them. "Let us start with some simple role playing."

"But, Father, we were already role playing," Tamaki interrupted.

Mori's eyes glinted and he leaned closer, magically appearing right in Tamaki's face. "I'm the one counseling the family, here. If I have any questions about tongue downing a stink tube, I'll ask you!"

"...Fair enough..."

"Now," Mori resumed, offering a baseball cap to Tamaki. "You be the gay's dad."

"Oh, okay!" The blond accepted it, placing it on his head and imitating a deeper voice and manly-ape motion by swinging his arms back and forth. "I love football—" and he smacked Haruhi across the face, causing her to fall comically to the ground.

Mori pointed to Hunny. "And you be the gay."

"I ain't gonna be no homo!"

"Fine, you be Tamaki's mom."

Hunny turned back to the 'priest' with a falsely happy face and a falsely high falsetto. "Fine, I'm asking for this!" And he smacked himself on the face.

Haruhi stood up and placed both hands on her hips. "Then who am I?"

"You're the homo."

"Can I be the dad?"

"Okay, you be the Yuzuru," Mori conceded.

Haruhi stole the hat off of Tamaki's head and shed her apron.

"Then who am I?" Tamaki asked.

"The queer," Haruhi told him before punching Hunny in the face and sitting down in a 'manly' position on the couch.

"I wanted to be the queer," Mori complains quietly.

Hunny stood up, taking the apron that Haruhi discarded and tying it around his neck and waist before walking away from the others. "I don't have time for this nonsense," he spoke in a high, girly voice. "I have a casserole in the oven."

"That's just it, Mom," Tamaki balks objectively, standing up from the couch. "There was always a casserole in the oven! You never had time for me!"

Hunny paused in his retreat, a hand flying to his mouth. "Oh my god..." He spun back around to face them with a worried look on his face. "You're right! I'm sorry, baby! Come to mama!"

He opened his arms and Tamaki flew into them as touching and semi-heart wrenching music began to play.

"Would you stop coddling him," Haruhi snaps from the couch before standing. "That's why he's such a sissy! It's bad enough you breast fed him until he was five!"

Still in the embrace, Hunny turned his back on Haruhi, protecting Tamaki within his arms. "Sacrificing all the sensitivity in my nipples! Not like you'd care!"

Haruhi made to walk toward them and the hug disbanded. "Show some respect, Tamaki's-Mom!" she demanded before backhanding Hunny. Off balance, the small senior toppled over with a girly cry of surprise.

"Don't you hurt my mother!" Tamaki yelled as more dramatic music played. He pushed Haruhi into a shelf, only to have the commoner stand up and adjust her ball cap, scowling.

"I'm the man of this house, and nobody disrespects me!" She points a finger at the blond threateningly. "Now you get out of my house and never come back!!"

"But..." Tamaki objected, holding a hand to his chest. "I'm your son."

"My son is dead!" And with that, the girl tore a strip of cloth from her Ouran jacket and began chanting in depressed Hebrew as piano keys started to plod in a haunting melody.

Tamaki looked heart broken, and turned to Hunny, who was still curled on the floor. "Mom?" Golden eyes averted and a sad sound made its way out of the boy's throat, but he spoke not a word in the other blonds' defense.

Tears started to course down Tamaki's face and he was shaking before he started sobbing and ran from the room with his hands over his face. The door slammed behind him.

Mori was still seated on the couch, looking contemplative before he started talking. "Well, that went well! Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got a nooner." And he turned around to face a semi-confused, semi-disgruntled looking Shiro and extracted a lollipop from his priest get-up. "So, you want to be an alter boy?"

"No I don't. You took me from the playground."

"God took you from the playground...WHEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!"

-white flash of scene change-


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N:** And now we meet Kyouya...-evil laughter-

**Chapter Three**

Tamaki stood outside of the Ouran opening doors, a suitcase by his side and the limo pulling up in front of him. His mouth was unmoving, but somehow he was narrating the entire thing.

There was nothing left for me at home, so I went as far away as I possibly could....

He got in as the limo's car door opened, bucked his seat belt and closed the door. The car rumbled to life before driving once around the circular drive way of Ouran and dropping him off in exactly the same spot. Tamaki stepped out of the car with a look of awe on his face, and set his case down as the car drove off again.

"Wow..." he explained, looking around in amazement. "The big city..."

"Hey there, kiddo," a strange figure dressed in a large purple jacket and humungous purple feathered pimp hat said from his spot leaning on one of the pillars that adorned the Ouran entry way.

Tamaki turned in surprise before smiling and waving. "Oh, hello kind stranger!"

The hat cast a shadow across the man's face, but he looked up to reveal black hair, a pale and thing face and glasses, as well as a semi-evil/miser smirk. "I noticed you looked a little lost... You know anyone around here? Need a place to stay?"

The blond shrugged, averting his gaze melodramatically. "I'm completely on my own, now...All I have left....is a dream!" And he struck an insightful and hopeful pose.

"Oh yeah?" Kyouya asked, still leaning on the column. "What dream is that?"

"I wanna be..." And here, Tamaki turned on the spot as magical glitter fell everywhere around him. "A star!!"

A smirk played around the brunette's mouth and he gazed at Tamaki like a customer would evaluate melons. He pushed himself off of the pillar and opened his arms, draping one over Tamaki's before leading him back into the inner confines of Ouran. "Well, you're in luck, kid. Just so happens that I'm in the star making business."

-white flash of scene change-

They walked into the upper floors of the school, towards the closet section, in which beds had magically appeared, making them rooms. Another red head, this one decked out in fishnet tights and a violent pink dress that had two huge holes in the sides leaned against a doorframe, watching the two make their way towards him until Kyouya stopped just in front of him.

"Here you go, Daddy," the boy drawled, extracting money from between the melons that made up his rack and handing it to the brunette in purple. His amber eyes then jumped to Tamaki. "Who's the new bitch...?"

"I'm Tamaki!" the boy greeted brightly. "And I'm going to be a sta—!"

A hand was held up into his face. "The adults are talking!"

Kyouya counted through the money before pocketing it and making to walk past the two. "Tamaki's going to...stay with us a while. And you, Devil-isious Love...You're gonna show him the ropes."

The red head waited until Kyouya had turned the corner at the end of the hall before snarking out. "Fine," and whipping around to get all up in Tamaki's face. "Here are the ground rules! I am Daddy's Number One girl. No condoms in the toilet, and don't leave the stove on all night. And don't dry the laundry in the stove. And no using the stove as a heater." He shoved a finger in the blonds' chest before backing off and sulking a bit. "I ain't allowed to use the stove no more."

Hikaru walked away and tears swam in Tamaki's eyes.

-white flash of scene change-

The bar was quite, really, everyone just minding their own business (after all, it was a locker room, and you didn't look around in a locker room). Haruhi sat on a bench, tossing back shot glasses and gazing at a newly developed photo of her and Hunny on either side of Tamaki on his high school graduation. It was a happy photo. She spit on it.

Another boy walked up to her, holding a gin bottle in one hand and smiling kindly. "Hey, do you want another beer...Uh..." He read the name tag that had mysteriously appeared and was being worn. "Uh...Yuzuru?"

The commoner snatched the bottle by the neck and began to down it like there was no tomorrow. Another student came up behind her and addressed the bartender, "Hey, can I get a beer?"

The bottle tinkled loudly as the brunette cross dresser slammed it down on the linoleum floor. "Did you just ask if I was queer!?!?!" she shouted drunkenly. "Just 'cause my son's gay doesn't mean I am, too!!"

"Uh, look," the guy tried to appease, holding up both hands. "I just asked for a beer—" but Haruhi was having none of it and socked him in the face.

"Hey, no hitting!" another student objected, so she clocked him, too, and the boy flew into another group of boys. Soon enough, the locker room/bar was alive with the sound of breaking bottles, punching, breaking bones, busting chairs over people's heads and angry, drunken yells. Bodies flew, people were knocked down for the count, and a semi-slow country song started playing the background.

-white flash of scene change-

Tamaki shut the door to the room he had just exited, wearing a brand new and slightly skimpy light purple and white trimmed outfit, just in time to hear the drawling voice of Devil-isious Love speaking in a semi-monotone. "Mmhm, oh yeah baby. Oh yeah, that hurt. It really do..."

Curious, Tamaki peaked into the doorway that the sounds were coming from to see a rather obscene position involving the red head and some random old dude with little to no hair. "This is so worth half of my fixed monthly income," the old man said, and Hikaru spotted Tamaki looking in. He scowled and slammed the door in his face.

Tamaki blinked before turning around and spotting Kyouya, still decked out in purple, standing behind him. "Oh, hey, Daddy! I just wanted to say I really appreciate everything you've done for me. Giving me a place to stay and buying me these fancy threads."

Kyouya started walking, and Tamaki followed him innocently, still blabbering. "I just wish there was some way I could repay you."

Kyouya stopped outside of another door and glanced back at Tamaki from behind the cool film of his glasses. "As a matter of fact there is. Our bills are coming due, and we're a little bit short on...cash. Luckily, an associate of mine, Ms. Houshakuji, is in town. She is a very generous woman." He opened the door after the speech, Tamaki making little noises of understanding the entire while he was talking, and motioned the blond inside the room. "Very generous...Isn't that right, Renge?"

In a high-backed chair, a woman in a fancy and barely modest business suit sat, her finely painted fingertips touching barely as she contemplated the new meat in front of her. "Princely characteristics, Millennial Snow character worthy skin, delicate Moe-worthy feet, and an inferiority complex. He's perfect!"

Kyouya seemed to acknowledge something in the woman's strange dialect that Tamaki didn't, for he raised a hand and waves casually before walking out of the room. "I'll leave you two love birds alone..." And closing (locking) the door behind him.

Renge pulled a cigarette out of no where and lit it with a silver lighter. "So, Princy, you gonna show me those Ichigo Kurosaki pecks?"

Tamaki knit his brow in confusion and turned to face Renge again. "I, awa...ha? What?"

"Pecks!" Renge insisted. "Ichigo Kurosaki pecks! You know! Miyabi chest! Uki Doki Memorial bulletin boards! Yuki vs. Kyo chesticals! The no-boy-no bouncy bouncies! The best plate ever!?!?"

"I...what?"

"I said," there was a threatening aura all around her now, and Medusa snakes were moving from her head. "TAKE. OFF. SHIRT!!!"

Realization seemed to dawn on Tamaki, and he looked down. Tears filled his eyes, and his head bowed with shame as he unbuttoned the front of his new shirt. The blond sniffed as the fabric slid easily off his shoulders and, like it was a big deal to be taking off one's shirt, he dropped the light purple and white trimmed top on the floor as his tears puddle around his feet.

Renge snatched the t-shirt and held it up to her face, inhaling deeply and sighing in pleasure. "Oh it smells like sexy....My souvenir!"

-white flash of scene change-


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter Four:**

Haruhi's red pick-up truck ground slowly around the barking lot that was Ouran's designated pick-up and drop off. Circle were really the only thing she could do in the drive way, and she continued to do so until, somehow, her head lamps illuminated the bare legs of one Mary Loud Slut-ski, walking home with her books under his arm.

For no apparent reason, Haruhi slowed the car and rolled down the window, giving the girl an odd look before greeting, "Mary Lou?"

"Hey, Tamaki's-Dad," Kaoru drawled back, made-up face as cheery as ever. He glanced over Haruhi's face, sporting a blackened and swollen bruise over her eye, and asked with compassion in his voice, "What happened to your eye?"

Haruhi looked away. "Nothing, nothing...What are you doing out at this hour? It's getting dark." The sun blared, only half-way sunken behind the hills.

"Play practice ran a little late," he replied sweetly, and Haruhi ground the car to a stop, the breaks screeching ever so slightly. She opened the door and patted the seat.

"Hop in; I'll give you a ride home."

Kaoru seemed to think for a second before smiling and clambering gracefully into the front passenger seat of the car, offering the brunette in men's clothing a smile and closing the door. Haruhi began to drive again, offering a smile back to the boy dressed in women's clothing.

The cab of the car was silent expect for the thrum of the road beneath the tires, and Haruhi, looking to break the silence, asked randomly, "Do ya like Cobra Starship?"

To which Kaoru replied, smiling, "Who doesn't?"

And the commoner flicked on the stereo, which began to play their newest and most popular release, I Kissed A Boy. Shivering, Kaoru wrapped his arms around himself, over the oranges that serves as boobs, and felt goose bumps rise up on his flesh. Haruhi noticed this.

"Heater's broken," she told the drag queen before diverting her eyes from the road to leer ominously at the boy. "But it's warm over here....You can...slide over. Nice and close." With lack of any better way to warm himself, Kaoru did so, shifting over the bumpy seat after detaching his seatbelt until he was pressed, side to side, with Haruhi.

The commoner's eyes couldn't help but drift downward to the milky and exposed thigh that was smooth just to look at. She smirked before looking back up into Kaoru's made up face. "Ka—Mary Lou, I don't know why my boy ever left you..." A hand reached down to rest on his knee before slowly sliding up Kaoru's leg.

The red head looked down before back up and smirking. "Why thank you, Ha—Tamaki's-Dad."

"Now, I know you've been with lots of boys." The hand reached up to cup the Hitachiin's heavily made up face, directing large amber eyes to stare into chocolate ones. "But have you ever been with a man?"

Haruhi's thumb moved to toy with Kaoru's lip and the red head willingly opened his mouth, granting the digit access and sucking on it lightly, allowing small moans to escape his lips while one of his hands flew to Haruhi's wrist to keep it there. Heavily shadowed eyes closed themselves and the commoner smirked.

"Yeah, you like my thumb, don't you, bitch. Well, let me show you something almost as big..." She placed a hand on the back of Kaoru head before forcing it down in her lap as the windows of the truck fogged up and the lead singer of Cobra Starship shouted out the chorus.

-white flash scene change-

Kyouya and Renge stood in the hallway of Ouran Academy, the girl shelling out bills for the purple clad man. "So, was he any good, Renge?"

"Ohh, he sobbed a lot; like a baby faced thug upon true realization of his inner desire to be a painter." The girl screeched approvingly.

"Sorry about that, he's new."

"Oh no, I liked it! Tears are the best lubricant."

-white flash scene change-

Touching music played as the hot water of a shower blasted. Tamaki had somehow acquired a loufa, and was rubbing his skin violently with it, whimpering and crying. His tears were lost in the shower spray. "So dirty. So, so dirty! Dirty, dirty!"

"It get's easier," Hikaru interrupted from underneath his own shower head where he was scrubbing behind his ears. "Every time it's gonna get a little bit easier. You know, sometimes I just pretend I ain't even there. I imagine I'm in a whole other place. A happy place. One where they have maple syrup."

He spared the drenched blond a sad look before opening his arms. "Aww, come here, baby." And the two shared a soapy, wet embrace while Tamaki cries on Hikaru's shoulder until they were interrupted.

"Hey, Tamaki," Kyouya spoke from in the shower but out of the initial spray. Little black censorship boxes covered sensitive bits. "You've got another customer. Word's getting around that you cry a lot. Pubescent teenage girls love that." Sure enough, they fluttered at the door as well, eagerly clambering over one another for a good view of his nakedness. "Let's go."

And as Kyouya dragged the blond towards the exit, Hikaru reached out to him sadly. "Remember, Tamaki. Maple syrup."

-white flash scene change-

Hunny pulled up in a car before killing the engine and opening the door. He retrieved the groceries from the back seat and was about to walk back into Ouran Academy when he spotted Haruhi's red pick-up truck in the drive way. Internally it struck something in the blond boy—something heart wrenching and gut twisting—but he made his way to the front door anyway, depositing the bags onto the a random counter/desk before heading towards the Third Music Room cautiously.

Upon opening the door, the touching and soft music suddenly turned violent and brutal, as the sight that assaulted the poor blond wife's senses was that of his husband, sleeping, with a little slut that was usually dressed in little to no cloths. Haruhi was on top of him, and the two had just leaned in for a kiss when Hunny screamed in shock and both parties jumped up, clutching the bed sheet to their fronts to hide their lack of cloths.

"Ohhhh!" Hunny exclaimed. "Oh my god! Yuzuru!!"

"Oh my god!" Haruhi responded. "Tamaki's-Mom!"

More dramatic music was struck until Kaoru looked around and mentioned. "Can someone explain to my why we are doing this when Tamaki's not around?"

"How could you, Yuzuru!" Hunny exclaimed. "And in our own...uh...bed!"

"She means nothing to me!" Haruhi snarled loudly.

"Good, then I'll throw her out!!" Hunny sobs before using his ultra-special ninja moves to pick Kaoru up and toss him out the open window. Only, he missed, and the red headed ended up crashing through the wall. The little blond senior was sobbing, and sat down on the bed that had magically appeared in the last hour, where Haruhi was still clutching the sheet to her manly chest. "How could you do this to me!!? To uuuuuuuus!!?!?!?"

"I'm a man!" Haruhi snapped. "I have needs!"

"Why don't you touch me anymore, Yuzuru? I'm your wife!!!!"

"You're not the woman I married," Haruhi retorts, pointing a finger at the small senior. "You're more like the woman who ate the woman I married!"

"You have three kids and we'll see how your hips look!" Hunny demanded hysterically, gesturing towards his waist.

"FINE! You wanna know why I never touch you anymore!?!" Something in Haruhi's voice was reaching borderline hysteria, and she sat up with the sheet around her chest still, voice loosing all violence and defenses. "It's because every time I look at you...I see his eyes." And tears began to cling to her lashes. "His gay...gay...eyes..."

And then they were both crying, and Hunny embraced Haruhi. "Oh, baby! I know! It hurts when you finally realize you care!"

Haruhi looked up from where she was being buried in Hunny's muscular and flat chest. "Baby, I'm so sorry for the way I treated you. I need help. I need help!" And she flung herself back into his chest.

Hunny gave a small, almost happy smile, and threaded his arms around Haruhi's neck in a sign of comfort. "I...I'll help you."

Haruhi looked up and caressed Hunny's face in a way that quickly turned into a repeat of the motion with Kaoru, only Hunny ripped off his cloths, explaining, "Oh, Tamaki's-Dad!" and revealed himself in sexy pink underwear and garters with bows and lace before jumping the still Haruhi as touching music began to play.

-white flash scene change-

Hikaru was counting money, leaning on the doorway to his room and dressed in a fluffy pink bath robe when he heard the sound of glass breaking and Tamaki screaming in distress. This wasn't usually an unusual occurrence, but something about today made the red head run towards him. Just inside the door, Tamaki was standing and screaming, clutching his face.

"Oh my god! OHMIGAWD! Ms. Houshakuji is dead!!!" he screamed, pulling at his hair violently.

And sure enough, Renge's dead and still warm body lay under the broken glass table, shards of the clear material sticking out of her in a bloody mess. The band played two notes threateningly and Hikaru gasped.

"What the hell happened?" He demanded, looking between Tamaki and Renge.

"I—I did just what she asked!!" Tamaki explains. "I got on top of the s***ing table and the glass! It just...shattered!!"

Hikaru got it then, and stood with his hands on his hips. "I told Daddy that if you want a quality s***ing table you gotsta go German. Them Sweds don't know crap about s***."

"Daddy's gonna kill me!!" Tamaki squealed, clutching both hands up in front of him in terror. "Ms. Houshakuji was his best customer!"

"That's only because he thinks every fangirl is Ms. Houshakuji."

But Tamaki was already clutching at the front of Hikaru's bathrobe and bawling like he did so well. "But I was going to be a stttttttaaaaaarrrrrrr!"

"Tamaki!" Hikaru exclaimed, snatching his wrists and bitch slapping him across the face before fisting the front of his cloths and pulling their faces extra close together. "Focus! You do as I say, and I'mma get you out of this mess, baby."

"Oh thank you!! Thank you, thank you!!" And they were hugging again. Hikaru extracted himself from the embrace and took a good, long look at Renge's body.

"Now we got to get rid of the body. Daddy's gonna be home from the opera in twenty minutes!"

-white flash scene change-

Haruhi and Hunny collapsed backwards in a pile of sweaty limbs and panting breaths, rapid rising and falling chests. Hunny had the happy disposition of a child as he laid his head on Haruhi's collar bone. "That was...incredible!"

"I know," Haruhi cooed sweetly into her wife's ear.

"Yet..." Hunny's eyes opened and his breathing returned to normal. "Something was...missing..."

And they sat up, staring into each other's eyes and saying in unison, "Our son...Our gay, gay...son."

-white flash scene change-

The two searched high and low as some techno song about belonging to the city played in the background, nailing a missing poster to a telephone pole, only to have it be blown off and have to tack up a missing poster for the missing poster, which someone eventually found.

They then proceeded to show the poster to everyone they could; only no one recognized him. Fortunately, there was a fangirl who did, but she only recognized the picture after it was drenched in water, syrup and placed on top of a glass table top. She was more than happy to point out the proper place to the worried parents.

-white flash scene change-

** A/N:** Ooooh! Suspensful, eh?


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter Five**

Hikaru and Tamaki knelt beside a nearby swamp (pond), an electrical light illuminating Hikaru's work space as Renge's body lay on the grass and a bloodied cleaver was in the red head's hand.

"Thank you so much, Devil-isious," Tamaki gushes.

"Now, when we're done here, you go pack your bags and run," Hikaru says, pausing in the hacking of the body to give Tamaki a pointed stare. "And don't ever look back, you understand?"

He chopped off Renge's feet and tossed them towards the alligator in the swamp.

"Run?" Tamaki echoed. "I can't run!"

"You don't belong here, Tamaki," the red head tells him, caressing his soft and bright face with the back of his hand. "You're too beautiful for this world."

Hikaru chopped off Renge's legs and managed to heave them into the swamp, too. The alligator caught the limbs and devoured them.

"But Daddy will kill me if I leave!" Tamaki's voice got higher with fear.

"I'll handle Daddy," Hikaru professes. "You just go home to your family."

Renge's head was next.

"My parents..." Tamaki sniffles. "They don't love me."

"Course they love you! A mommy never stops loving her son!" Hikaru raised a hand to his chest in soft remembrance. "I should know, for I, too, am a parent."

"Devil-isious?"

"Tamaki, I need you to do something for me. When you get out of here, you go to Karuizawa. There's an orphanage on top of the hill. Find a girl with eyes like mine, and you tell him that his mama loves him." His eyes were swimming with tears now, too. "Tell that boy...I'm sorry."

"Karuizawa." Tamaki repeated. "I will, Devil-isious! I will."

"Good."

And in the next five minutes, there was nothing left of Renge.

-white flash scene change-

Tamaki tip toed out of his room, original cloths back on a suit-case in hand. He looked around skittishly and had barely reached the end of the hallway when a door swung open and Kyouya, decked out in fine garb and holding a pair of opera glasses was in front of him. The blond hurriedly hid the case behind his back.

"Hello, Tamaki," Kyouya greeted coolly. "You missed quite an opera." His eyes darted down to the barely concealed suit case behind Tamaki's legs and his eyebrows narrowed in suspicious. "Hey, what the...Where the hell do you think you're going?"

"Oh, I, um..." Tamaki stuttered confusedly and flushed a bit.

"Are you trying to run out on me, bitch?!" Kyouya demanded, tossing aside the pamphlet he'd brought home and reaching inside his suit to extract a gun before pistol whipping the blond across the face and knocking him to the floor. Tamaki gasped a bit. Kyouya approached the boy on the floor, holding the gun above is temple. "There's only two ways out of Daddy's stable. Death, or promotion into our management training program, and we're trying to fill those slots with minorities. They're not asking for a hand out, just a hand."

The roughly pushed the barrel of the gun into Tamaki's head, and the blond whimpered, closing his eyes as Kyouya clicked the safety back. "Please, Daddy, no! Don't shoot! I wanna be a star!!!"

A vase careened out of no where and crashed, breaking over Kyouya's head and successfully sending him into daze of half consciousness. Standing over Tamaki now was none other Hikaru, holding the remains of the flowers and looking frantic.

"Run, Tamaki! Run!!"

The boy stood up, grasping onto Hikaru's arm. "Come with me, Devil-isious!"

"I can't! This is my life!" Hikaru wailed.

"No it isn't!" Tamaki wailed back.

"Okay, let's go!"

They were running down the hallway when the gunshot sounded, and Hikaru's face went from one of joy to one of shock and pain as he froze then crumpled to the floor. Kyouya was still dazed and unwilling to get up yet, but he was a good shot.

Tamaki fell to his knees next to the wounded red head. "DEVIL-ISIOUS!!"

Hikaru coughed mortally. "Go, Tamaki. And remember! Karu—iawa." He was greeted with nothing but a blank stare from violet eyes and Tamaki cocked his head.

"Should I remember what that means?"

"Ohhhh, Timmy!" And Hikaru collapsed with a faint little squeal.

"I am SO mad at you!" Kyouya voice announces his presence again, and he lifts the gun, firing shot after shot as Tamaki scrambles to his feet and begins to run with his arms over his head. He manages to make it down the stairs as the brunette with glasses limps woundedly after him, screaming all the while like a little girl. Kyouya fires after him from the top, and Tamaki sprints through the entrance hall before he's out the front door of Ouran and dashing towards the parked car in the drive way.

From somewhere, he retrieves keys, fumbling through the loop in an attempt to figure out which one belongs to the car and passing it a couple times and Kyouya limps down the stairs and after his charge.

Finally, just as the brunette has made his way outside, Tamaki finds the right key, unlocks the door, clambers in and manages to start up the engine, only to look up and let out a breathy little worried exclamation when he spotted Kyouya, standing directly in his only way out with gun in hand.

"Say goodbye," the brunette demands, pointing the pistol and firing. The bullet misses, but makes through-and-through impact with the windshield.

Squealing in fear and with a little resolve, Tamaki floors the gas pedal and speeds towards Kyouya, even as the pimp fires off several more shots, all of which land somewhere in the windshield. There's a battle cry on the blonds' lips as the headlights illuminate his tormentor's legs and torso and he squints his eyes in concentration before one of the bullets Kyouya fired connects with the flimsy rubber of the tire and flattens in, making the blond lose control of the wheel and careen into a tree, swerving just in time to miss the bespectacled man.

Tamaki somehow escapes from the confines of the totaled car, only to find himself curled up on the cement/grassy ground of the Ouran parking lot, exhaling and trying to regulate his breathing before the cold of a pistol is pressed to his head. "I told you," Kyouya dictates, "No body leaves Daddy's stable. Now I'm going to blow your limp-wristed mangina-loving brains out."

"Nobody calls my son a limp-wristed mangina-loving brains out but ME!!!" A new voice announces the arrival of two new people, and Haruhi snatches Kyouya around the throat.

"Dad!" Tamaki exclaims in relief.

Touching music beings.

"Uh..." Kyouya says. "Homo's daddy says what?"

"What?" Haruhi responds.

"Exactly!" Kyouya head butts her in the nose, managing to escape her grasp and making to dive for the dropped gun in between the two of them. Haruhi get's to it at the same time and a struggle insures and the background music turns more daring and suspenseful.

Hunny runs around from the other side of the car, as well, and Tamaki exclaims, "Mama!!" Only to be enveloped by the seniors in a hug.

"Oh, son!"

The two watch as Haruhi and Kyouya battle over the gun, a deadly give and take game with a pistol, until a shot is fired and both freeze in shock. Slowly, ever so slowly, Haruhi topples to the ground with a huge, bloodied spot appearing on the front of her worker's uniform.

"DADDY!" "YUZURU!!!"

Tamaki and Hunny rushed to her side just as the cop sirens whir into life and Kyouya become otherwise preoccupied with an all out gun war on the police. "DIE PIGS!"

In the foreground, a pale looking commoner looks into the violet eyes of her upperclassman. "Tamaki. I'm so sorry."

"Shh," Tamaki insists. "Don't talk, Dad, Save your strength."

Kyouya is shot repetativly. "You're never gonna take me alive!!!"

"No," Haruhi continues, "I must say this. You're my son. I'm proud of you. No many how many sausages you smoke. No matter how many fudge holes you poke. No matter how many times you dress up as Princess Leia. You'll always be my son. My gay, gay son.... No matter how many beer bottles you shove up your ass or potatoes or light bulbs or whatever you people shove up there, I accept you for who you are. My son. My gay...gay...son." And just when you think she's done. "My-sausages-moking-fudge-hole-poking-light-bulb-stuffing-snergwergeling son!"

"That's all I ever wanted to hear!" Tamaki say, holding a hand to his chest. "Thanks dad."

The automatic machine guns have been brought in cause the pimp's not going down.

And just as the shooting stops, Haruhi's last, dying word. "....Gay..."

Touching and triumphant music begins to play as Tamaki looks towards the dead pimp rittled with bullet holes, the slut stuck in the tree from when he was thrown out the wall, the pedophile priest who sits on the swing attached to that tree with a little boy, an ambulance removing the dead body of his fellow whore, the alligator who's having digestion issues, and finally the bead father cradled in his arms.

And then he drops Haruhi.

"So that's what'll happen when I tell my parents I'm gay!" He laughed a little, standing up and brushing the dirt off his cloths. "Well, now I know what to expect. Thanks guys!" And he started skipping off down the drive way, humming a sweet little tune.

**A/N:** There's one more part...Eheh...Don't hate me.


	6. Epi

**Epilouge**

-time change-

Tamaki sat in the comfortable kitchen of his family house, eating a nice breakfast with both his parents. "Mom, Dad. I'm gay." He announced.

Both his parents shared a look before his father said, "Well, son, I think I speak for the both of us when I say: UH DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

-fin-

A/N: I am so, so, so sorry...T_T But I wrote this, and I think it's kinda funny...Maybe it's a good thing I don't own Ouran...Hmmmm...


End file.
